I'm so Done and Long Gone

It's been a year already, a year and three days to be exact when we faced the crossroads and taken different paths. Just wanted to look back to see how life changed me. I'm not sure where this message would lead but one thing I am sure that I'm so done and long gone. 

It's quite empowering knowing that I survived all the sleepless nights, heart-out cries, endless thoughts on how things started to fall apart. That journey is not easy to ride along but that's how life will teach you how to be strong.

First months seems like hell, the darkest part where you don't know where to start. It feels like no one will ever be enough to ease the pain no matter how they tried. I keep on repeating the stories to each person that will try to console my heart, hoping that by doing such, pain will slip away. But truth will eventually slapped me and rubbed in my face that things will never be the same again. 

Months passed by, little did I know I became reckless. I tried everything that I could. No rules, no boundaries, no limitations. I get to interact with different kind of people and for once I felt like I'm alive. I started to live again. I enjoyed everything that I do. Step by step I'm no longer in need of you. I found myself no longer looking for your presence, I can't even vividly recall how it feels to be loved by you.

Then one day I saw your name appeared on my screen, truth be said I felt a bit of uncertainty. My emotions seems having a debate inside my head if whom should I choose to come with me. I'm not sure how to act or what should my answers be, but this is certain, no chances will ever be granted again. And just like what I expected, endless message of regrets, things that should have done, things that should have been and lines of what ifs. And that moment was a bliss. Right there I've gain all the confidence that have taken away. That moment I felt that I am whole again. All the questions instantly turn into answers. I felt that finally I won this battle. I am now on the upper hand. Truly regret will hit you so damn hard but sorry not so sorry my once loved.

Hello dear self, I can proudly say that you are now free from all the heartaches of not so good yesterday. You will no longer be collecting the pieces because now you are whole. You are glued together now and remember that something wonderful will still happen out of a once broken heart.

Hope for the Little Faith

There were times in your life where what you can hold on to is that little faith inside of you. I've been wondering what happened? what did I do wrong? how come we've been like this now? where are we?why it seems that I've been here all alone? I really can't believe that we will end up like this. Questions that start to take away all the strength that I have. I actually really don't know where this journey will take me through. But I know for sure life will have something for me maybe not now but I wish a little sooner.

Every day is like a battle field, where my enemy is just myself. I have to fight for the sanity that's pushing me to move forward but this little hope in me keeps on holding on to that wishful thinking that one day you'll be back asking for me to stay. Where you're man enough to stand beside me and offer me the love that once I dreamed of.

I lost myself on this journey, I give what I can and so much willing to give more even if there's nothing left. Can you just tell me please, why is it still not enough? is it that hard to love me back?maybe yes, you do love me. But not that strong to fight for me. I never really wanted to believe the little voice inside my head telling me that all of the things that I thought we are, are just illusions. Illusions of what we should be. 

I pray for the courage to do it alone. There's nothing left for me to start with. I don't know how to do things alone. Everything in me feels so weak. You've been my home, my love and my comfort. Now you've taken it all away. I still want to feel your warmth that once was mine. But I don't want it for the last time, I want to have it for the rest of time.  Do you feel the same? I wish you do.

Of all this, I know for sure that I'm still hoping, hoping for that little faith to be with you once again. To choose me of all the things that's hindering you from me. I need you so bad. Hope this silent cry will soon last. The moment you decided to come back home.